A week ago today I made it through the second hardest day of my life. All day thoughts of denial crowded my mind. Moving from one part of the day to the next I kept thinking over and over.. “is this really happening?” So many people crying with me and sending their love. How is this my life? I hear of these stories, but that would never happen to me.
The stories were so beautiful and amazing, but they made me miss him even more. It reminded me of how great my life was. How lucky I was to have such an amazing man at my side. How great our story was and our love for each other. It reminded me of a life I could have had. The things we would have done together as a family. The way he would have continued to treat me.
I can’t be left alone because those thoughts continue to flood my mind. I dread sleeping at night because my brain won’t shut off. Waking up in the morning is the hardest of all. Its unbearable to have to remember each morning I no longer have the love of my life by my side. He is no longer here to hold me. He is no longer here to comfort me. Even though I’m not a lone I feel alone.
I guess I have to accept that I am now a widow. That word makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve heard that word my whole life and always associated it with 80 year old women. How is that my label at 30 with two new babies. How is this my life?
I often find myself thinking I could have done more. We should have tried more options or shouldn’t have done certain treatments. I have this battle in my mind on how things should have gone. I just can’t accept that this is my life.
It has been over a week now since Justin has passed. I keep replaying that morning over and over in my head. We knew he was sick, but it was such a surprise. I hope those images fade over time. I don’t want those to be my last memories of him. I hope there will be a day I don’t think of that morning.
I remember the first time I realized I was talking in past tense. It was another reminder he was really gone. I do hope that I can continue to talk about him as if he was still here. I find myself saying “he would have loved that picture” or “he loved to do that as well.” I think that will help my boys know him even more.
All I’ve heard is time will heal. So now I just need to give it time. Each day is painful and I wonder if there will be a day I don’t cry. I hope that I can be happy again. I hope I can keep doing the things I love! I’m trying to remember that he would want me to.