A week ago today I made it through the second hardest day of my life. All day thoughts of denial crowded my mind. Moving from one part of the day to the next I kept thinking over and over.. “is this really happening?” So many people crying with me and sending their love. How is this my life? I hear of these stories, but that would never happen to me.
The stories were so beautiful and amazing, but they made me miss him even more. It reminded me of how great my life was. How lucky I was to have such an amazing man at my side. How great our story was and our love for each other. It reminded me of a life I could have had. The things we would have done together as a family. The way he would have continued to treat me.
I can’t be left alone because those thoughts continue to flood my mind. I dread sleeping at night because my brain won’t shut off. Waking up in the morning is the hardest of all. Its unbearable to have to remember each morning I no longer have the love of my life by my side. He is no longer here to hold me. He is no longer here to comfort me. Even though I’m not a lone I feel alone.
I guess I have to accept that I am now a widow. That word makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve heard that word my whole life and always associated it with 80 year old women. How is that my label at 30 with two new babies. How is this my life?
I often find myself thinking I could have done more. We should have tried more options or shouldn’t have done certain treatments. I have this battle in my mind on how things should have gone. I just can’t accept that this is my life.
It has been over a week now since Justin has passed. I keep replaying that morning over and over in my head. We knew he was sick, but it was such a surprise. I hope those images fade over time. I don’t want those to be my last memories of him. I hope there will be a day I don’t think of that morning.
I remember the first time I realized I was talking in past tense. It was another reminder he was really gone. I do hope that I can continue to talk about him as if he was still here. I find myself saying “he would have loved that picture” or “he loved to do that as well.” I think that will help my boys know him even more.
All I’ve heard is time will heal. So now I just need to give it time. Each day is painful and I wonder if there will be a day I don’t cry. I hope that I can be happy again. I hope I can keep doing the things I love! I’m trying to remember that he would want me to.
Two Against One 
These photos hold a power greater than anything I have seen before. I’ve just sat in awe. The emotion is so overwhelming that it crowds out any words. Thank you for opening yourself up and continuing to open yourself up. Just, thank you.
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Jenn, I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing. It’s ok to cry every day. It’s ok to not have your act together. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to go through each stage of grief as long as it takes. You are loved!
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Jenn, this is so tender, so honest. Thank you for sharing, for the beautiful way you have of expressing your thoughts and feelings. You are such a strong young woman. You and Justin have a deep and eternal love. I believe that when you love deeply, you also mourn deeply when the one you love departs for a season — the scriptures even teach us that. In the Doctrine & Covenants it says: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45) Because of our love, we mourn – that is part of the plan. Knowing that can bring some comfort, but it doesn’t make it easy. Mourning someone you love and cherish is difficult, it is hard. It involves our hearts and our souls.
Two of our prophets shared how difficult this process has been for them. President Nelson talked about his grief at the passing of his sweet wife, Dantzel, when he spoke to us in April. He also shared how he was able to survive and move forward:
“In 2005, after nearly 60 years of marriage, my dear Dantzel was unexpectedly called home. For a season, my grief was almost immobilizing. But the message of Easter and the promise of resurrection sustained me.”
And just 3 months after President Hinckley’s sweet wife, Marjorie, died, he spoke at the funeral of his dear friend and colleague, Elder Neal A. Maxwell. Addressing Elder Maxwell’s surviving wife, Colleen, President Hinckley said:
“As one who has recently passed through this ordeal, I think I know something of what lies ahead of you…At funerals we speak in grand platitudes…To lose one’s partner is absolutely devastating. But in the quiet of the night, a silent whisper is heard that says, ‘All is well; all is well. And that voice brings peace and unwavering certainty that death is not the end. That voice brings the assurance that as surely as there has been separation, there will be joyful reuniting.
“Colleen, you shall go on. There will be days of loneliness and nights of longing, but the sunshine of faith will shine again.”
I love the power of the words they used – that this is a very difficult thing – but that there is hope and healing and even sunshine ahead. You are in my prayers, Jenn. The Lord knows and loves you. He will not leave you comfortless. He will bless and lift you.
You are strong and faithful, Jenn – such an example to me and to my family. Just as Sheri Dew taught:
“Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are…Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are, and that is who you have always been.”
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A couple of years ago your husband and mother in law came into the LDS Church History Museum where I am a docent. They needed a ride to their car and I was able to take them. Your mother in law told me about Justin sent me a lovely note afterward.
It was just a brief, meaningful encounter for me and I have followed your website since then. I have prayed for you and mourned with you. You have a lot of wonderful friends and family and I hope,the best for you.
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What a cool story! Thank you for sharing!
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