“Will I be happy again?”

Will I ever be happy again? A question that goes through my mind constantly. A question that people answer for me and say that I will. A question I don’t currently know the answer to.

Do I have moments of laughter? Yes I do. I laugh when I see the boys smile at me. I laugh when I watch a funny movie. I laugh when I’m around others. For a split second I feel happiness again.  I forget everything that has happened and for that split second I feel normal.  I have moments of happiness, but they are just moments. I don’t feel the way I did a year ago when Justin was in my life. Even when Justin had cancer and the future was scary, I was still happy. I was happy because he was with me.

I don’t think grateful is a strong enough word that would express how blessed I am to have these sweet boys. They really are the reason I laugh and get up each morning. They are the reason I am able to have moments of laugher and happiness.

Documenting their lives is a good distraction for me. It brings me joy to do their fun photoshoots. I have always loved making videos and taking pictures. It was important to Justin and I to document our family and make home videos. A couple months before he passed he bought a new canon camera for us. With the camera and the light he got me for my birthday I feel like its important to keep documenting. I’ve expressed this before, but I feel like he is apart of them in someway. Instagram has become my personal journal, a way to look back and remember the boys growing up. I enjoy posting things and it’s brought some joy into my life.

Will I ever be happy again? I honestly don’t know, but I pray that I will be someday.

Most of you know I have been working on a fun project where I post a picture each month. This is the one we have done for the month of August. My cute cousin helps take the pictures and she edits them for me. Its been such a fun project and something to look forward to.

“He is climbing mountains now”

My best friend has been in heaven for a month now. The only thought that helps me keep moving forward is knowing he is no longer in pain. I imagine him looking like he dose in this picture. I imagine him hiking and climbing mountains. I imagine him  without pain.

Since we got married the longest we had been apart was two weeks. Even when we weren’t together we would text or talk each day. I was very lucky to have been with him so much during the last months of his life. Even though he was sick and slept a lot, we were always together. I often go to my phone hoping to see a “Hey pretty girl” text from him. His name is quickly moving to the bottom of my messages, where before it was always at the top. I find myself still opening a text message to send him a funny cat video or show him something cute the boys did. He was my person and we did everything together. I still feel like I’m on vacation and he is home working. Somedays it hits me that he is really gone and other days I feel like he is just back home in Utah.

So far the hardest part for me have been the dreams. I thought initially that having him in my dreams would be a way to see him again. They would give me a chance to have him with me and remember how I felt when he was around. I thought wrong and I would prefer I have no dreams of him at all. The pain that comes after waking up is to unbearable. The reminders of how my life was and how my life could have been is to hard. Those days are the hardest for me. In those hard moments I think of this picture and I have to remind myself he is no longer in pain. He is no longer restricted from doing the things he loves. He is climbing mountains now.