Justin started a new chemo in February and it came with a lot of new stress and worry. It was really hard to have to stop the other chemo, but we had no other choice. I felt like we were starting from square one again. I have bad anxiety with each scan Justin gets. I can never sleep the night before. The day of the results I can’t eat, so much so that I end up making myself physically sick. With each new scan my mind takes me to dark places. I’m a slave to anxiety, it consumes all of me. I let it control my mind and make me believe things that I don’t want to think about. It makes each step we take with this cancer journey ten times harder.
Now that he is starting this new chemo my anxiety is on an extremely higher level than usual. We don’t really have other options after this chemo. I felt like the stakes were higher with this scan to see if this new chemo would work. The doctors wanted him to do two weeks of the new chemo before doing the scan. In my mind I pushed thinking about it aside until the last possible second. The day of the scan I could barely get out of bed without feeling like I needed to throw up. I still feel worried even though Justin has been feeling great lately. He felt like he could breath better and didn’t fee like he needed to sleep with his oxygen. Even when he tells me these things I still feel anxious. Justin said that he would be getting a phone call with the results that day. I went to work but I couldn’t focus all day and wouldn’t let my phone leave my side. Finally around 10am Justin texted me “Just heard from them! No growth!” This is usually the point I am not longer a slave and feel free again. That pain in my chest is gone and I feel this weight lift from me. I felt so relieved that this new chemo was keeping the tumor from growing. They said it hadn’t shrunk, but it was preventing it from growing. That was good news! For a tiny moment I allowed myself to imagine a life without the stress of cancer. Maybe someday things will be okay and we can just live our life. I just pray this chemo helps shrink it.
As of right now the doctors are planning to do this chemo for about a year. Then they will get together and decide where to go from there. The cancer he has is so rare that we are basically trying the “trial and error” option. Maybe the cure for Justin’s cancer has not been invented yet. We just don’t know what our future holds.
What we do know is that we want to move on with our lives. Justin will most likely go back to school and do chemo. Right now he does outpatient chemo. He goes in one day for a couple hours and then a week later goes in for another drug for a couple hours. He then gets two weeks off and does the same thing over again. This chemo has been a lot better on his body than the other one. He doesn’t get nauseous like he did with his first chemo. He gets a sore mouth and the nerves in his feet make them ache. We are grateful the side effects are not as bad as they have been in the past with other chemo drugs. We are trying to stay hopeful and positive. We are just trying to move on with our lives and live as normally as possible.
*Justin’s experience with outpatient chemo