“Will I be happy again?”

Will I ever be happy again? A question that goes through my mind constantly. A question that people answer for me and say that I will. A question I don’t currently know the answer to.

Do I have moments of laughter? Yes I do. I laugh when I see the boys smile at me. I laugh when I watch a funny movie. I laugh when I’m around others. For a split second I feel happiness again.  I forget everything that has happened and for that split second I feel normal.  I have moments of happiness, but they are just moments. I don’t feel the way I did a year ago when Justin was in my life. Even when Justin had cancer and the future was scary, I was still happy. I was happy because he was with me.

I don’t think grateful is a strong enough word that would express how blessed I am to have these sweet boys. They really are the reason I laugh and get up each morning. They are the reason I am able to have moments of laugher and happiness.

Documenting their lives is a good distraction for me. It brings me joy to do their fun photoshoots. I have always loved making videos and taking pictures. It was important to Justin and I to document our family and make home videos. A couple months before he passed he bought a new canon camera for us. With the camera and the light he got me for my birthday I feel like its important to keep documenting. I’ve expressed this before, but I feel like he is apart of them in someway. Instagram has become my personal journal, a way to look back and remember the boys growing up. I enjoy posting things and it’s brought some joy into my life.

Will I ever be happy again? I honestly don’t know, but I pray that I will be someday.

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Most of you know I have been working on a fun project where I post a picture each month. This is the one we have done for the month of August. My cute cousin helps take the pictures and she edits them for me. Its been such a fun project and something to look forward to.

One thought on ““Will I be happy again?”

  1. Shaunel Stowe

    Jennifer, you don’t know me. You’re dad came to our stake conference this weekend here in Colorado Springs. He mentioned how hard it is for members to be single and proceeded to talk about your husband passing away. After the auxiliary meeting, I went up to him to give him and you my condolences. I couldn’t help but cry once I began talking to him, because I do know your pain and suffering. My husband died six years ago. I remember how hard that first year was for me and my kids. At the time, they were 15, 13, 11, and just turned 9 three days after their dad died. Jen, it does get better as you learn to find your new normal. I know you have already seen blessings in your life and you will continue to. As hard as it is to be a single parent and doing it all alone, I wouldn’t trade what I have learned or how much I have grown because of my husband dying. This is not an easy journey, nor was seeing your husband struggle through cancer, but I know you will come out of it with more compassion, be a stronger person, and gain a much stronger testimony of our Savior. You will be a better woman because of this journey! I am truly sorry you have to be part of this club that no one wants to be a part of. Though, I am glad that my kids have their dad watching over them and protecting them, just as your husband will do for your sons.

    With love,

    Shaunel Stowe

    Like

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