Will I ever be happy again? A question that goes through my mind constantly. A question that people answer for me and say that I will. A question I don’t currently know the answer to.
Do I have moments of laughter? Yes I do. I laugh when I see the boys smile at me. I laugh when I watch a funny movie. I laugh when I’m around others. For a split second I feel happiness again. I forget everything that has happened and for that split second I feel normal. I have moments of happiness, but they are just moments. I don’t feel the way I did a year ago when Justin was in my life. Even when Justin had cancer and the future was scary, I was still happy. I was happy because he was with me.
I don’t think grateful is a strong enough word that would express how blessed I am to have these sweet boys. They really are the reason I laugh and get up each morning. They are the reason I am able to have moments of laugher and happiness.
Documenting their lives is a good distraction for me. It brings me joy to do their fun photoshoots. I have always loved making videos and taking pictures. It was important to Justin and I to document our family and make home videos. A couple months before he passed he bought a new canon camera for us. With the camera and the light he got me for my birthday I feel like its important to keep documenting. I’ve expressed this before, but I feel like he is apart of them in someway. Instagram has become my personal journal, a way to look back and remember the boys growing up. I enjoy posting things and it’s brought some joy into my life.
Will I ever be happy again? I honestly don’t know, but I pray that I will be someday.
Most of you know I have been working on a fun project where I post a picture each month. This is the one we have done for the month of August. My cute cousin helps take the pictures and she edits them for me. Its been such a fun project and something to look forward to.