“Do we have the faith “not [to] be healed”” -Elder Bednar

I wanted to start by talking about the love we have felt from everyone. It has reminded me that we are never alone in this journey. So many people offering to stop by or bring food. Even just the comments of love and prayers have been so amazing. It really brings to light the scripture in Mosiah “..mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” We have felt that comfort and it has given us so much strength during this hard time.

IMG_9680.JPG

We have been through a lot with this cancer, but never have I felt so hopeless and low as I have felt this week. We came into the hospital last week on Valentines Day thinking we would be here a couple days to get over some virus, but each day came with more bad news. He started getting weaker each day and having a harder time breathing. Even though in the past I have had such great faith, it made it harder to keep that faith seeing him so sick. It’s almost like my hope is tied to his physical condition. So the days he was looking worse my hope seemed to dwindle. Then the days he was looking better my hope was stronger. How far will God push us in our trial and test our faith before he says, “it is done.” Have we not reached our limit yet? Have we not been through the worst of it? It’s getting harder and harder to keep the faith and remember that peace I have felt in the past. I need to disconnect my faith from Justin’s actual condition. I need to learn to have faith on my own no matter how well Justin is doing. I need to remember the peace I have felt in the past.

IMG_9676.JPG

            Through this whole cancer journey I have always been so faithful and believed things would be okay. It wasn’t until things got really bad this week that I started to think, maybe things aren’t going to turn out the way I hope they will. I find myself struggling to align my will with Gods, whatever that may be. I can’t imagine anything harder than to accept God’s will if its not what I want.   How do I align my will with Gods, but still hope for a miracle at the same time. I find it hard to balance the two. If I lean more towards one, does that mean I don’t believe in the other.

I’ve tried hard to focus on that this week. Justin and I had a conversation about how to accept Gods will whatever it may be.  On Tuesday we had multiple groups of doctors come in and give bad news after bad news. I had never felt so depressed and defeated. I think it really pushed us to think about that question “Do we have the faith not to be healed”  It reminded me of the time we found out Justin’s cancer had returned. I was so mad at God that this would happen. We had just survived cancer why would it be back, did we not learn our lessons the first time. I struggled and prayed and realized that I couldn’t afford to be mad at God because I knew if we were going to make it through cancer again, we would need Him by our sides. Justin also had a similar experience this week and we decided this is how we align our will with God. Whatever happens we will still keep God in our lives.

 

IMG_9678.JPG

 

I lay awake at night with anxious thoughts and feelings. I want a miracle more than anything, but right now I’m trying to take it one day at a time. My prayers have now been focused on Justin being healthy enough to get out of the hospital and be at the birth of these two babies. Thats what I’m praying and hoping for right now. A couple weeks ago we put the baby room together and I couldn’t find Justin. I texted him and he said he was in the baby room. I went in and he was just sitting on the chair staring at the cribs. I could tell he had been crying and I asked if he was okay. He said having the cribs up made it so real and he was so excited to meet them. I keep thinking about this story and I pray everyday that he can be here for the birth and raise these two boys.  I don’t know what will happen, but I’m trying hard to find that balance between Gods will and praying for a miracle. I’m trying so hard to strengthen my faith and not let fear in, but its been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I’m taking it one day at a time and always praying for a miracle!

 

“It is in waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most.”

I just wanted to write a post and give an update on Justin’s health. I find myself struggling more than usual to stay hopeful. Its hard when the reality of Justin’s health is not good, but we have felt peace that everything will be okay. Its that battle of faith and fear which I constantly struggle with.

Justin had started an antibody drug that wasn’t as harmful to his body. The antibody isn’t made to shrink the tumor, but keep it from growing. Its not chemo which was great and Justin was especially excited to have his hair back . He doesn’t mind having a bald head, its once the eyebrows are gone that he feels like a cancer patient.  He did a couple rounds and it was working great.  We were excited because Justin had a little more energy. He went in for another scan a month later and thats when we found out the tumor had grown. The antibody drug wasn’t working as well as they thought, so going back on chemo was our only option. This was not easy news to hear and once again we get bad news and no hope. I feel like i’m drowning and just barley trying to keep my head above water. I try and stay hopeful and faithful, but each time we get bad news I stink deeper and deeper. When you have been knocked down so many times, it makes it that much harder to keep getting up.

IMG_8890.jpg
Nice head of hair!

We decided it would be good to start getting second opinions elsewhere and see what other doctors around the country have to say. Justin flew out to Indianapolis to meet with a doctor who basically invented the chemo that cured his first cancer. It was great that he was able to meet with him, but again no good news came from it. The doctor told us that their really isn’t any cure for his cancer right now. He also said that his body can’t handle chemo forever. There are a couple none chemo drugs he could try though and see if those work.  These drugs are designed to keep it from growing at a rapid pace. We also discussed the option of surgery, but told that wasn’t a good idea. They told him surgery would be pointless without a cure. The surgery would be very intense, having to remove the tumor and his left lung. It would be a hard surgery  just to have the tumor start growing again. So we seem to be running out of options and I find myself struggling to stay faithful.

IMG_8426.jpgIMG_8427.jpg

On top of all this, Justin has been sick for the past three weeks. He started coughing and then has had a  fever for the past week. He spent last  Wednesdays in the hospital all day doing test, but they don’t seem to know what is causing the fever. If his fever spikes again he will have to be admitted for further testing.

IMG_9556.jpg
Good thing Hiccup can give Justin company during all these sick days!

 

I feel so defeated by life right now. I just wish so badly I could take the cancer away from him. I don’t know how he continues to stay so strong, he is amazing. I find myself imagining life without cancer and how easy it would be. How nice it would be to live a life with out constant worry. I quickly change my thoughts when I catch myself thinking that way. Thats not my life and I need to learn to deal with the life I have been given. Sometimes I wish I could see myself the way God see’s me. He obviously thinks I’m a strong person because my husband has cancer and I’m about to have twins. (haha) I know I can do hard things because I’ve made it this far. I just need to remember that as I continue to move forward.

I’ve been very cautious to ask Justin for help during my pregnancy.  Most of the time he is in need of help just as much as I am. I think this was good for me and has helped me become stronger. Its also been nice at times because Justin can relate to a lot of things I have been experiencing.  When I had morning sickness he knew exactly how I felt. When its hard for me to breathe he also relate. I don’t have a husband who can help me a lot, but he can relate and understand what I’m going through at times. That has been a blessing.

I’ve been trying so hard to stay hopeful. I read a talk about how the Lord blesses us for our patience. There was a part in the talk that said “Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most.”  I have kept this in mind as I have wondered why we keep getting bad news when I have felt in the past that Justin would be okay.  I need to be patient, but also faithful as I move forward in life. We grow and learn in the waiting not once we receive what we want. I still believe with my whole heart we are meant to have these babies. I just need to remember what I have felt in the past and continue to have faith in those feelings as I move forward.