My best friend has been in heaven for a month now. The only thought that helps me keep moving forward is knowing he is no longer in pain. I imagine him looking like he dose in this picture. I imagine him hiking and climbing mountains. I imagine him without pain.
Since we got married the longest we had been apart was two weeks. Even when we weren’t together we would text or talk each day. I was very lucky to have been with him so much during the last months of his life. Even though he was sick and slept a lot, we were always together. I often go to my phone hoping to see a “Hey pretty girl” text from him. His name is quickly moving to the bottom of my messages, where before it was always at the top. I find myself still opening a text message to send him a funny cat video or show him something cute the boys did. He was my person and we did everything together. I still feel like I’m on vacation and he is home working. Somedays it hits me that he is really gone and other days I feel like he is just back home in Utah.
So far the hardest part for me have been the dreams. I thought initially that having him in my dreams would be a way to see him again. They would give me a chance to have him with me and remember how I felt when he was around. I thought wrong and I would prefer I have no dreams of him at all. The pain that comes after waking up is to unbearable. The reminders of how my life was and how my life could have been is to hard. Those days are the hardest for me. In those hard moments I think of this picture and I have to remind myself he is no longer in pain. He is no longer restricted from doing the things he loves. He is climbing mountains now.