“Until we meet again”

 

hanks

 

I’m writing a post I thought I would never have to write. I believed and hoped so badly I wouldn’t have to. Justin had been in a lot of pain the last couple of days. This morning when we went to check on him he wasn’t breathing. We got him comfortable enough last night to fall asleep. Justin and I read a scripture together before going to bed and that was the last time I saw him. He was home around the people he loved.
I did get a sweet moment with him yesterday where he and I were able to talk. He was so weak and could barely say anything, but we shared some thoughts with each other. He told me he was so tired and was trying so hard to hold on for me and the boys, but he didn’t know how much strength he had left in him. He said we had done everything we were suppose to and it was in Gods hands. I think he knew it was time and was ready to let go. He has suffered for so long and he is free now.
I keep thinking this morning that I wish he wrote letters to the boys or did things to prepare for this, but we had so much hope, it was hard to have those conversations. We lived each day talking about things like when he would take the boys fishing. When he would go back to work. Even last night he was saying how when this was over he wanted to go to the Tetons again. We believed he would get better and lived each day to that belief.
For a moment I was angry at that hope. We could have planned better and had letters for the boys. But then I thought how that hope was the reason he lived so long. That hope was how he sat next to me while I gave birth. That hope was how he saw his boys. That hope was how we had a couple of months as a family. We never lived a day thinking he would die and I think that was the best way to live.
I feel an ache and pain I have never felt before in my life. I’m scared to wake up tomorrow and the next day. He was my person who treated me like a queen, even when he was so sick. He knew exactly how to make me feel better and make me laugh.
I don’t know how I’ll keep going, but I’m grateful for these two beautiful boys to keep me living. I’m so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I will see him again. I keep having to remind myself that this life is just a moment. I will be with him for eternity. It’s easy to say that, but the ache of each day without him will be unbearable. I’m hoping it will get easier.
Last night we watched Remember the Titans. He was to weak to watch, but listened to the whole movie. He would smile at his favorite parts and wished he could sing some of the songs. It was meant to be because it reminded me of his Facebook post when he was in the hospital. He said “Coach I’m hurt, I ain’t dead” He truly had that attitude up until his last breath. He was the strongest person I know! He fought so hard to be here for me and the boys. He was a beautiful soul!
I held his hand one last time this morning. Whenever we held hands we would give each other hand squeezes meaning “I love you.” We did it yesterday when he was to weak to speak. He squeezed my hand twice. I squeezed his hand this morning for the last time. I love him more than anything!

Thank you for all you’re prayers and love!

8 thoughts on ““Until we meet again”

  1. Norman and Dorene Squires

    We are so sorry for your loss and hope that you will find solace in knowing that you will be together again and he will be well and healthy. Thank you for all your faith-filled posts. Your strength and faith have been testimonies to all of us. Just know you will always be in our hearts and prayers.
    Love you!
    Norman & Dorene Squires

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mickie Ortiz

    Oh Jen… you both have been so strong. It’s going to require a different type of strength from you now. The same source (Heavenly Father) will help you throug this a day at a time as He has carried you through these past 5 years. You’re an amazing person, within wonderful support. Hold on! Don’t be afraid to cry and mourn, but somehow trust God and he will get you through this. I promise.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Zach

    Thank you for sharing your precious and difficult experiences and your testimony Jen. I’m sorry for your loss. I got to serve with Justin in Germany (and my dad served with his dad too) and work with him in the ROB. I’m grateful for my interactions with him 🙂 I am praying for you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cynthia MacKay

    Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. I have followed your posts and updates for the last several years and my heart stopped for a moment when I heard that Justin had passed. I wish that I had the perfect thing to say to help you out at this time, but I don’t know what it is. Please know that you and Justin and your boys are all so loved and that you have people thinking of you and praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. maeganrain

    Justin, You fought the good fight. Your life was marked with love, family and service. Your good example has blessed many and your legacy of faith, hope and fortitude are the letters of life you’ve given your sons and all of us.
    Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. Your bestie is waiting for you but you have more to do here. Those sweet boys need their mama’s arms to love them until they have their daddy’s again. You have held on strong for a long time. You can do this too. It will be hard. God will help you. We will pray your every success. Tears for your pain and grief.
    Marshal and Everett, I’m so glad you get to show us all Justin’s facial expressions, his talents and his likes and dislikes as you grow up. You will remind us all of him and we will all remind you of him.
    Love, prayers and hugs for all.

    Like

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