“Thus God has provided a means that man, through faith, might work mighty miracles” -Mosiah 8:18

IMG_0065

Justin has been home for one week now and I am so glad to have him here. I think he and I both had different expectations from him being home. We both realize now that we still have a long road ahead to getting his strength back. I think we thought by him being home it would go back to how he was before, but we aren’t quit there yet. He told me even though he is home, he still feels connected to the hospital.  He is still on oxygen 24/7 and has nurses that come to the house a couple times a week. We had to learn how to give him his IV antibiotics each day and he is still on a lot of medication.

We lived at our place for a couple days and realized it was unrealistic to get Justin up and down the stairs. The last night we were there it took him 30 minutes to make it up to his bed. Before all of this happened we were looking for a place to take care of the twins and have room for our parents to stay and help. My aunt is amazing and offered her basement apartment. So we decided to move there early so Justin could get around easier. We are forever grateful and it has been a huge blessing. Being able to stay here has been one of those tender mercies along this hard journey.

img_0023.jpg

We have been taking this most recent journey by steps. The first step was to get Justin out of the hospital on an antibiotic that worked.  I can tell by looking at him that he is having a battle within himself. He struggles with depression and the will to keep fighting. That’s why when he has a good day I say a prayer and thank God for that tender mercy. It keeps giving him strength to keep going.  I cherish those days because I have my Justin back with me. When he feels good he is himself again making me laugh and smile. I could try and write for days in detail about how it really feels to watch someone you love go through cancer, but unless you have been through it yourself I could never portray how it really is. My crying sessions are mostly out of helplessness.  He is in so much pain and discomfort and I can’t do anything about it. I just wish I could take it away.

The second step is to get Justin well enough to be at the birth of these boys. Just like the hospital we are taking it a day a time. He will have one great day and not so great the next. It’s especially hard because each bad day that he has, seems like a step backwards to getting him to the delivery room. I think I have started to mentally prepare myself for him not being there and it kills me inside. I’m mostly sad for Justin that he won’t be able to experience that first cry and the happy emotions that come from that special moment. Its hard for me to imagine meeting these boys for the first time and not being able to look over at Justin and share that moment. I want more than anything to share that moment with him.

Its been really hard for me not to be angry and ask the “why” questions. Why would this all happen months before the babies come. Justin had been doing fine on his chemo before and could have been well enough for the delivery. Its hard not knowing all the answers. I have to work extra hard to pull myself back to faith and God. The last step is to find a cure to this cancer and help him raise these boys. I still believe and hope for that miracle, but right now I’m focusing on him being in the delivery room. There is a scripture in the book of Mormon that talks about miracles. It says “Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain.” –Moroni 7:37

I think it will take a miracle to get Justin to that delivery room. So if it’s Gods will, I will pray and have faith that Justin can be there.  I believe in miracles and we have seen many along this journey. I pray and hope Justin can be there and he can start to get his strength back.

 

7 thoughts on ““Thus God has provided a means that man, through faith, might work mighty miracles” -Mosiah 8:18

  1. Anonymous

    We will also pray that he will be there with you in the delivery. What Joy that will be! In the slight chance he can’t be there in person, maybe he could be watching via video skype or something. I know that’s not the same, but he could be connected in the moment. We will continue to pray for that miracle though, that he will be able to be there in person. Much Love,
    David and Nikki Cottam

    Like

  2. Nikki Cottam

    We will also pray that he will be there with you in the delivery. What Joy that will be! In the slight chance he can’t be there in person, maybe he could be watching via video skype or something. I know that’s not the same, but he could be connected in the moment. We will continue to pray for that miracle though, that he will be able to be there in person. Much Love,
    David and Nikki Cottam

    Like

  3. Rachel went to the temple yesterday in Alabama with the YSA. I know that she put Justin on the prayer roll. She will also put his name on he Toronto temple prayer roll this next week when she travels with her father. The power of temple prayers from those who are faithful has provided many miracles in my own life and for those that I have submitted names for over the years. We will continue to pray for you all.

    Like

  4. Susan & Mike Gebhardt

    Even though we are far away in the Philippines, we think of you often. We are happy about your twins. We pray for you both and your wonderful families. Someday we will all have understand and we will see clearly God’s hand in our lives and why things during this mortal journey are as they are. We are so very proud of your and Justin’s strength, faith, and commitment. We are very proud of your families. We love you.
    Susan and Mike Gebhardt

    Like

  5. Diana Cook

    We love you guys! You have the right frame of mind and heart. So many are helped by your strong faith and example. You are constantly in our prayers and thoughts.

    Like

  6. Maegan Hanks

    My heart goes out to you Jen, Justin and those sweet baby boys. I’m hoping you can share the first meeting moment together too! Thanks for being so willing to share your journey and talk through your struggles of mental stamina and faith versus fear.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s