I CAN-CER VIVE

I woke up this morning to Justin throwing up in the bathroom. So many horrible memories came rushing back into my mind of the chemo he endured two years ago.  In February when they told us they found a cancerous tumor I broke down into tears. I wept for many reasons, but I couldn’t bare the thought of him having to go through chemo again. I would not wish chemo upon my worst enemy.  I feel so helpless and wish I could take his pain away. Over those five months of chemo the life was slowly sucked out of him.  During the weeks he was admitted into the hospital my happy and outgoing husband changed. He slowly entered that dark world of depression and sadness. I had never seen this side of him and it was hard to watch.

    I would say one of the hardest parts of chemo is the mental battle. It’s hard to see the nurse come into the room put on a mask, gloves, and a coat just to give him his chemo drugs. When you see that happening you think, “and that’s going inside me?”

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(Chemo 2015)

I think I have forgotten what we are about to start again. I’m slowly starting to remember the bad things that come along with chemo.  Yesterday when we checked into the hospital to start his chemo, he already started to fight his mind. He hadn’t even started chemo and he was already feeling nauseous from the different smells of the hospital. The cancer Justin has is so rare we aren’t even sure if this chemo will work. I try hard not to think it, but I hope all this torture isn’t for nothing.

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(Chemo 2013)

I never really understood the cancer world until we were forced to enter it. I had heard of people having cancer and doing chemo, but you don’t really understand unless someone close to you has gone through it. I had no clue what all went into this world. When Justin and I hear about kids or adults doing multiple rounds of chemo or dealing with it for years, our hearts just ache for them. It really is not a happy place or thing to do. We made it through once, we will make it through again. We will do anything at this point to keep him on this earth, its just going to be a bumpy road to get there.

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             Getting his port in. (2013)                        Getting his second port in. (2015)

5 thoughts on “I CAN-CER VIVE

  1. Anonymous

    Dear Jenn,
    I just wanted you to know how much I admire you. You guys are being tested so much . Don’t forget to always chin up and be faithful.
    Our family is praying every day for you . We know Heavenly Father will take care of you. Send you our love… Angie

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  2. Jenni Rollins

    Oh, that’s so awful. And you are so right – there’s absolutely no way to fully understand the hardness of the reality until you’re there, witnessing it happen to someone you love.

    We will be praying for Justin to have the comfort and cheering spirit the Lord can provide. Love you, ache for your hardship, and hope you can be buoyed by the Lord. ❤

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  3. Julie Morain

    You guys are amazing! Your faith is great! This is a very tough road that you are walking together right now but you will make it with the help of the Lord. I love these words from President Henry B. Eyring:

    “I testify that by the Spirit of Christ and by the Holy Ghost, you may walk confidently in whatever difficulties will come. Because you are so valuable, some of your trials may be severe. You need never be discouraged or afraid. The way through difficulties has always been prepared for you, and you will find it if you exercise faith.”

    And you are exercising faith, moving forward, seeking to help and lift one another. And seeking to bless others in the process. What a tremendous example you are to us! We love you both!

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  4. Ali (Hatch) Hibbard

    Jenn – I don’t know if you really remember me, but I am one of Justin’s friends from Boise. I just graduated from BYU in Nursing and I now work at the Mayo Clinic in their oncology department. When I was doing my capstone at Huntsman I remember we had one patient who always brought a different scent with him every time he came for chemo. That way the he wasn’t smelling the hospital, and because he changed the scent each time he came, he never associated one particular scent with chemo and it helped minimize his nausea. I don’t know if something like this would work for Justin, but I thought I would share the idea just in case. One of the nurses there, Marina (she was my preceptor and I hope you guys get to meet her because she is fantastic) also taught me the trick of holding an alcohol swab under your nose to reduce the nausea. I’m sure you guys have figured out a few of your own tricks by now, but I wanted to share the little I can from out here in the Midwest. It breaks my heart that you guys are going through what you are right now. And it breaks my heart even more knowing that I could have been there with you if I had stayed in Utah to work at Huntsman instead of coming out here. You two are forefront in my mind as I take care of my patients out here. I try to give my patients and their families the kind of care I hope you are both receiving, since I can’t be the one to make sure everything about Justin’s care is as it should be. I love you both and my husband and I pray for you guys every night. Thank you for sharing your story, your feelings, and your good heart with the world.

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