I woke up this morning to Justin throwing up in the bathroom. So many horrible memories came rushing back into my mind of the chemo he endured two years ago. In February when they told us they found a cancerous tumor I broke down into tears. I wept for many reasons, but I couldn’t bare the thought of him having to go through chemo again. I would not wish chemo upon my worst enemy. I feel so helpless and wish I could take his pain away. Over those five months of chemo the life was slowly sucked out of him. During the weeks he was admitted into the hospital my happy and outgoing husband changed. He slowly entered that dark world of depression and sadness. I had never seen this side of him and it was hard to watch.
I would say one of the hardest parts of chemo is the mental battle. It’s hard to see the nurse come into the room put on a mask, gloves, and a coat just to give him his chemo drugs. When you see that happening you think, “and that’s going inside me?”
I think I have forgotten what we are about to start again. I’m slowly starting to remember the bad things that come along with chemo. Yesterday when we checked into the hospital to start his chemo, he already started to fight his mind. He hadn’t even started chemo and he was already feeling nauseous from the different smells of the hospital. The cancer Justin has is so rare we aren’t even sure if this chemo will work. I try hard not to think it, but I hope all this torture isn’t for nothing.
I never really understood the cancer world until we were forced to enter it. I had heard of people having cancer and doing chemo, but you don’t really understand unless someone close to you has gone through it. I had no clue what all went into this world. When Justin and I hear about kids or adults doing multiple rounds of chemo or dealing with it for years, our hearts just ache for them. It really is not a happy place or thing to do. We made it through once, we will make it through again. We will do anything at this point to keep him on this earth, its just going to be a bumpy road to get there.
Getting his port in. (2013) Getting his second port in. (2015)